Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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