census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm like, not good at living.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
