I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
