I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
