It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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