I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
