I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is Oprah even human
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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