you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize