why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
