gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
