does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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