"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
