Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
