What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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