Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
