The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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