I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
