cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
