i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize