i think my mom watched the whole time
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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