Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
