Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
