i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
