dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
