I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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