im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
