He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
