make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
