So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Someone signed my nipple.
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