There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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