my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize