my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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