So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
