Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
