All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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