A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Send help, water and tortillas.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
