I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
