I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
