He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
