Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
