Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
