Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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