my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My feet surprised me
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
