Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
