I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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