dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
