I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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