my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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