so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We are all done wearing pants today
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
