I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
