how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So much rum. So many feels.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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