Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
