me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
