Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize