WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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