I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
