I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
