Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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