I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
