I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
