my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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