i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You ruined the universe
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
