I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need a beard to bite.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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